Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
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Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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