i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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