It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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