He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
