M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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