I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
