If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.