New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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