If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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