The police scanner is talking about you again....
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.