I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
