I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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