Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
