Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
