Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
