i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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