I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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