i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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