your parents love me but you hate me
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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