That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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