Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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