i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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