Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
