dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
