Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
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So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
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I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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