I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
