Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
