I was born with a shot glass in my hand
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
