mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
