Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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