I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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