i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
