I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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