to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
