...so i touched it.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
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well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
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The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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