It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize