i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Quick, to the slutcave!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
