On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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