She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
