Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
