I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
