dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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