Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
