well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
