Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
