I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
