I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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