you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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