i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
