I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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