Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize