Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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