my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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