i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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