I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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